B.T.L. w/ Eboniqua & Ratisha

Top: Eboniqua Millán, 33, Cancer, Homemaker from Williamsburg, Brooklyn, NY
Bottom: Ratisha Nash, 27, Gemini, Salon Manager from East St. Louis, Illinois

E - What is love, to you? 

Love to me is the action of wanting to be loved back, but I’m going to explain what I’m saying. As a child, I always thought that love was something that you feel and experience and, yes, that’s part of it...but as an adult, you have this emotion where you feel like there is a void. You feel like “I need you to show me”. 

There are so many love languages, but they require action. 

Love is loving yourself - taking care of your wellbeing, your business, paying your bills, eating healthy, right?... Be physical about it. That’s what love is to me.

R - What is love, to you?

Love to me is expressed through physical action, acts of service. Emotionally, verbally, showing you that I love you. Love is telling you when you’re wrong. Love is telling you when you’re right. Love is being there for you - in and out. Love to me is like just knowing I can feel when this person is not right just by hearing their voice and just wanting to do something about it. Love is being vulnerable about all the things that make you scared of how you make them feel. And that’s both romantically or platonically - love is telling them how you feel...telling someone all the nasty things about yourself that you've endured, without any judgement. That's love, love is encouraging, love is letting you be who you are. Loving you for who you are, even the little bad parts that maybe feel a little stinky too. Love is giving people space, when they need it, from your love. I think love is actually unconditional. 

E - How did you come to define/understand it? 

When I was abused. You think about the opposite of everything that you don't want to feel or experience or go through. And you become the opposite of it: you become that light, you become that force. Corinthians II says love is patient, love is kind, it doesn't envy, it doesn't boast, but then it’s like what about family and betrayal? Because family are the first people to hurt your feelings. They know how you walk, move, there's a whole bunch of stuff that they know about you. There’s also a scripture in the bible that says to be kind because you don’t know whether the stranger you're speaking to is an angel. We must be careful with love. 

R - How did you come to define/understand it? 

My grandma. My nana. Because she’s always there for me. It's almost like she just does things and I don't have to ask. A part of me feels as though she must know that I struggle with a lot. I feel like out of my whole family she sees me and she knows me. I feel like she's the only one who understands. Not to say that my dad doesn't, but it's love when I can be feeling something and she just does it. She's paid my bills a couple times and I didn’t even ask. She got me this card to help me build my credit when I was 18 and whenever I come home she tells me to go get something with it from the store. And I feel like I want to get her things like a new house and she doesn't even want that. My mom told me that love is unconditional. Watching my mom take care of her grandmother taught me love. 

When I was a kid, we would go on Saturdays at Target and make sure that she had toilet paper and take care of her. She never asked for it, but we always did it. Everytime I talk to her, she always makes me feel better. I don't ask her for it, she just shows me her love. If I ever need her she’s always there for me. If I need somewhere to stay, I’m staying with my grandma and I'm sleeping in the bed with her. 

R - How do you like to be loved? 

I like to be loved unconditionally because the people who love me unconditionally know that I mean well, that I'm human and I'm not perfect. That's how I liked to be loved, unconditionally. 

E - How do you like to be loved? 

Emotionally. I want someone to express how they feel for me - not just buying things. Like in the story of Beauty & the Beast where it's like ummm...this man or woman who has a lot of pain or is going through something where they feel undesirable. I always look for those people who feel they’re undesirable because I feel like everyone should be loved and I always want to feel like that because I know what it feels like to not be loved. I like to be loved with respect and admiration to be held tightly and closely. I always want people to be appreciative of me, to acknowledge the things that I do whether they are big or small. That's how I want to be loved. Just to be seen…like the Beast because I have a side of me that's very displeasing. 

I was abused so I’ve abused people and it’s not intentional, but it’s like when I abuse that person, how do I explain to them that I was abused? It's like being scarred. You’re scarred and I don't think there's ever a part in your life where you are healed. It takes time. There are people who are so far into their pain. 

I abused my boyfriend before he ever did anything to me and society would never believe me and that's wrong. I just want Beauty & the Beast. You meet that person and it's like a mirror being reflected on your soul, it's a different face, but the inner parts are all the same. Trauma is trauma and pain is pain. I just want somebody to love me because I'm fucked up. We’re all fucked up in our own ways. 

R - How do you like to love other people? 

I like to love other people by trying to help them, unconditionally as well. I try to understand them. Not being judgmental of them. Because you never know how a person might feel about a certain situation so I try to love with no judgement. It might hurt sometimes and I try to understand that. Sometimes we need to take a step back and understand people. If I see a person is not acting like themselves, I try to understand why and it helps me to know this has nothing to do with me. Maybe what they need is so much bigger than me that I have to take myself out of it. I try to show people that they can trust me. I love you so much that I'll be there. It almost hurts me when a person feels they can’t confide in me. I want people to be open with me and I’ll give them unconditional love. 

E - How do you like to love other people? 
That's the easy part. It's always easy to see what others are in need of because it could also be what you're in need of, but you're afraid of saying what you need. You can provide for yourself, but you know you can provide it for them, too. I guess part of it comes down to control, but I think it's time and space, too. I love to overindulge: if they have a favorite wine or food, then I love to overfill them with it. Money, too. If theres’ a sex position they like, that I may not be into it, I’ll do it for them. I love to do that for them. I want them to feel special, like the next person that loves them did not love them to my degree of love.I love very strong and hard and it's very overwhelming and suffocating and that's okay. 

R - Why is love important to you? 

I feel like now that I'm older I look at love as a gift, in a sense. It's a gift to have, to receive it. That makes it important. As a kid, I didn't know who I was and it wasn't until I was 4 that I started seeing things. When I got to a certain age, I knew that this feeling feels good. I think it’s part of the human experience to have it. Whether or not we get the love that everybody sees on tv, I'm okay with getting it from someone who's not romantically involved with me. It'd still be nice to have that and I guess I was able to have that even though I still have a lot of living to do. I just think it’s important for the human experience to get it. To have love, show love and receive it. My grandma loves me and that's good enough for me. I think love is great. 

E - Why is love important to you? 
‘Cause when I was 18 years old I cut myself and when I cut myself I did it because I was in pain at that time and I bled to death. Then, when I was unconscious, I told God if I live through this I know that he loves me. Unfortunately, there are so many people that try to commit suicide and they dont live. These were the cards that God had for me. Love is very important for me because in his word, it says, “I formed you before you were even in your mother’s womb. I created you before the foundations of the earth.” God had me in mind before my mother and father even knew each other. And it's even deeper than that. I’m existing, tried to commit suicide, and it’s something I deal with everyday. Love to me is the protection from harm, the shelter that I have even if it's not the shelter that I feel like I need. I have food that I can eat, I can go to many people’s homes right now and be fed. I have garments to keep me warm, I have access to knowledge, I have a college degree I can always put into practice. Love is essential to me, it's vital to life, to breathing, to knowing who you are. That's what love is and John 3:16 says, “for God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son...for sinners.” Love is a sacrifice. Sacrificial love. 

R - Why do you think we struggle with expressing and/or receiving love? 

Maybe for the receiving part it's because people feel like they don’t deserve it. I feel like people struggle with receiving and giving - it can be related to childhood trauma of them being abused at home and feeling like they're ugly or their hair isn't good enough...they don't feel worthy. When someone tells you you're beautiful, you can't even believe it. And people think because they haven worked out yet, or bleached their skin yet or straightened their hair yet, when actually someone still loves them. Struggle with giving it? That's the same. How can you give something that you never received? Not in all cases, but some people who were abused might actually know how to give it because they can see that they don't ever want someone to feel that way. 

E - Why do you think we struggle with expressing and/or receiving love? 

The conditionings that we experienced. We have to come to terms with knowing that many people aren't how we are, or didn't grow up like us. Our parents' conditioning can be different from their parents conditionings. It’s hard for us to receive love. Our thoughts, what we tell ourselves daily, what we write or see daily. How do we really know what love is? Look at our environments, the people we meet. We see someone on a subway crying and we won't even pay attention to them because we feel like what we’re going through or what we’re doing is more important. 

R- How do you think we could all be more loving towards one another? 

Physical touch. Expressing the ways that you can make them feel better - in your capacity. I might not be able to help you in certain ways but I can help you with cleaning your room, or your house or with ideas. Sometimes we just need to hear someone say I can't help you the way you need, but I can help you like this. 

E - How do you think we could all be more loving towards one another? 

I am very empathetic, I studied human services because I knew that my makeup is someone that is very very very to a point of standing in your shoes and wanting to feel your pain, I would rather experience it for you. I think we could all be more loving towards one another by being kinder to one another because you never know what someone is going through. To me I always wanna be that person that helps people to not feel bad about themselves. When a kid came to school with a stained shirt once, I stained mine. Kindness is the movement of loving people even if you don't know they are. If people ended today, what would people say about you before they die?

Eboniqua’s Song

You know what it feels like to not get out of bed and shower. No, do you really know?

Or ever wonder why the cares of the world feel so burdensome on your shoulder? 

I've  been contemplating checking out for sometime now but something inside stirs the darkness into another direction.

The lack of support, the loneliness, a need to see the beauty in the lessons of life, a deep want for change but not knowing where to start. 

Depression,..a feeling many people disregard and ignore. 

In its many forms has the power to change the way you see your life and the hope that resonates in you. 

Suffering in silence trusting someone may catch the tears you cried while waiting on the subway platform.

Fighting the dark thoughts that consume your very own well-being.
And you wait, but not one single person who walks by sees the pain you are carrying. 

You wonder,  Will people notice?

Will your loved ones notice the difference in your character and appearance?

Do you know how many times I've heard everything will be just fine. 

Depression doesn't make you see the light at the end of the tunnel, in fact It will cause you continue to spiral down the darkness

I've learned over the years to fight the cloudy judgement in my brain. 

Smile even if it hurts 

Write even if no one is reading it 

and speak even when no one is listening. 

Because at the end of the day when you have fought the good fight with all your might to keep your spirits up, you fought to see another day and most importantly you didn't allow the “De- press” from keeping you pressed. 

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.  2 corinthians 4:8-9

#mayismentalhealthawarenessmonth

#depression

#writer 

#cagedbirds

#writtenbyeboniqua