Back to Love w/ Veronica
Name: Veronica Agard, 30
Occupation: Creative + Mentor
Hometown: Airmont, NY
What is love, to you?
Overall, I think that love is an intense and profound collection of feelings in your soul for the constellation of people in your life. This shifts depending on the type of love being described, but, I hold that perspective with all the kinds of love that I am fortunate to experience.
How did you come to define/understand it?
I took notes of how I felt when I saw and experienced different types of love in my life. With my friendships that have lasted almost as long as I’ve lived, they felt like conversations that we could always return to and never have to pretend. In romantic partnerships, I learned to value trust and freedom, which eventually put me on to the difference between codependent behaviors and interdependent types of love. Throughout my twenties, I've experienced several kinds of love and took note of how I felt through journaling and writing. Some loves made me write poems, some sent me to the drawing board so to speak to learn more about how I could receive theirs and show up better or if it was something that was no longer mutually beneficial.
How do you define it for yourself now?
I believe that romantic love has to be a set of actions to put how you feel about someone into practice. Not just words, physical exchanges, and/or shared sentiments - but a consistent set of expressions, mutually agreed actions, learnings and unlearnings. I view love as a form of reverence and intentionality that is deeply needed now.
How do you like to be loved?
I thrive in love when I am watered by someone just as much as I am watering them. Reciprocity is important to me. I mean this for all forms of love, but am particularly speaking to romantic love. A love that sees all of me and stands steady. Interdependently and tenderly. Expansively and deliberately committed to practicing, growing and experimenting with how the love can go.
How do you like to love other people?
I aspire for my romantic love to feel like what the afterglow of being in the ocean all day feels like on your skin and in your core. A love that is present, that does not pretend to be anything other than what it is. A feeling that you can experience. A frequency that you can tap into when necessary whether I am with you physically or not. My love invites you to trust that it does not falter in spite of distance, space and time. It flies in the face of instant gratification, invites you to slow down, and be present with yourself so we can be present to each other.
Why is love important to you?
I would not exist without it, quite literally. I am grateful for the relatively healthy expressions of love that I witnessed and in turn have embodied from my parents. I am honored to be a continuation of my beloved and elevated ancestors. With this in mind, love also keeps me grounded - whether it's the love for community that motivates me to hold space, investing in the future by being a mentor to the youth that I've counseled or love that I have for the people in my inner circle.
Why do you think we struggle with expressing and/or receiving love?
I'll speak in the “I” for this, but I think a big challenge for me has been stories (that have been placed on me or internalized) around worthiness. As brave as I can be, I still struggle with acceptance of moments and loves that I receive. I can be in my head, analyzing the big "why" of the person, the love, or the experience and miss out on the multitudes of being that are possible when staying in the moment. Ideas of people, love and experiences that we carry can have us missing out on a lot. My struggle in receiving in this way comes in this form, and sometimes I can even psych myself out. Our trauma responses, no matter the form, are valid benchmarks for what we need to work on in order to improve how we are when in relation with others.
How do you think we could all be more loving towards one another?
By striving to be more compassionate with ourselves. Since how we treat ourselves sets the standard for how others will treat us, I invite anyone who finds these words to try and be the kind of lover, partner, etc., that you are seeking. That way you have a firm foundation to stand on when interacting with folks and trying to discern how you can relate.
How do you plan to continue loving yourself and others during this time of Coronavirus and a social justice revolution?
Mutual aid is not limited to the traditional set of basic needs. This has to include how people want to be loved, cared and attended to as well as offering the same for their loved ones. I plan to continue to find pathways that are rooted in mutual aid, community care, and self-love on the days where I can't practice love the way that I may fully want to. I also plan on making room for blessings and surprises by being as open-hearted as possible. As adrienne maree brown said, “What we love makes us whole. What makes us whole is how we will survive.”